Fifty Ways to Say Goodbye
by PancakeBunnie
Summary: Lovino's leaving- Again. Toni decides he's not just going to take it this time! Based off Train's song 50 Ways to Say Goodbye.


"I'm telling you, tomatoes are fruits..." Toni pressed on calmly through the ever-continuous argument with his short-tempered little boyfriend Lovino.

"They are so vegetables!" Lovi argued back, getting overly-frustrated at his stupidity. OBVIOUSLY TOMATOES WERE VEGETABLES.

"Fruits..." Toni slid down in his chair, sick of arguing.

"You're such a dumbass!" Lovi shouted at him.

"So I've been told." Toni sighed, frowning.

"Don't be a smartass-" Lovi snapped at him.

"Well what kind of ass do you want me to be then!?" Toni looked at him indignantly.

"That's IT, Bastard, I'm LEAVING!" Lovi cried in a fit of fury, tossing his plate of VEGETABLES at the wall.

"Again...?" Toni sighed sadly...

"Didn't I just tell you not to be a smartass!?"  
Toni paused and thought for a moment with a blank, dim expression on his face. ..."Does this mean I get to be a dumbass?"  
Lovi grunted in frustration and stomped out the door. "I'm DONE!"  
Toni flopped down on the table, counting the seconds; one... two... three...  
Lovino stomped back in. "This is MY house!" and pointed to the door.  
Toni sighed and dragged himself up. He knew the deal: "See you tomorrow..." He smiled and kissed Lovi's cheek.

"Don't touch me, you bastard!" Lovi slapped him and turned away with his arms crossed, huffing angrily, his little curl waggling- in frustration or from the kiss?  
Toni walked out of the house, shaking his head. He grabbed a tomato from the garden and walked around the block to Gilbert's house.  
He knocked the secret-Trio-knock on Gilbert's front door. The door was opened a crack, held by a chain lock. "Password?" came the familiar voice of Gilbert from behind the door.

"Bueno!" Toni remembered this week's password confidently. After all, he had picked it.

"Nope, sorry!" And Gilbert slammed the door in his face.  
Toni stood there dumbstruck. "You changed the password without me!?"  
A minute later the door was unlocked and flung open with a cheerful "kes-kes!" from Gil. "Just teasing!" He ruffled Toni's hair and pulled him inside to where he and Francis had been watching soccer.  
Gilbert grabbed a beer off the coffee table and flopped on the couch. "So bro, what brings you to the Fort-of-Awesome today?"

"His /girlfriend/ probably kicked him out again..." said insensitive and oddly correct Francis from Gilbert's other side.

"N-No!" Toni became defensive. They couldn't make fun of him this time!

"No?" Gilbert and Francis looked at him in shock.

"He- uh- died." ...And that was his best excuse.

"Vhat!?"

"How!?"  
Quick, excuses Toni- "He uh- it was a- uh-... airplane crash! Went down in the ocean... He was the only one on board- reaaal tragic..." He looked down and sniffled.

"Oh..." quick, say something nice, Gilbert- "S-sorry for your loss, bro..." He got up and patted Toni on the back.

"That's hard, mon cher..." Francis hugged him comfortingly.

"I don't know how I'll go on..." Toni sobbed with his best acting into Francis.

"Hey, I know what always makes sad shit better," Gilbert spoke up with his ingenious Gilbert-ideas, "we should go to the bar, /obviously/, isn't that where all depressed people go?"

"Good idea!" Francis agreed.  
Toni looked up and sniffled. "You guys are the best..." he wiped his eyes and followed Gilbert out to his car.  
Ten minutes later, they were around the corner at their favorite Bad-Touch-Trio hangout spot. Gilbert rushed Toni inside, shouting to the random customers at the bar, "OUTTA THE WAY, LOOK OUT, MOURNING MAN COMING THROUGH-" and sat him down at one of the bar stools.  
Tossing a twenty at the bartender, Gilbert consoled Toni with a "Don't worry, bro, we'll be there for you all the way." and bro-punched his shoulder. ...Francis, however, was already distracted by all the beautiful already-drunk women.

"Gracias, amigo!" Toni grinned at him- then remembered he wasn't supposed to be happy and frowned.  
The bartender returned with more than enough drinks for the whole bar, or just enough drinks for one Gilbert. Gil slid one over to Toni and toasted, "To a prettier, better-in-bed and not-dead girlfriend for Toni!" and they clinked glasses and chugged down their beer.  
But five minutes later... "Ooh- shit-" Gilbert slid off his seat, "Sorry bro, nature calls-" and he ran off to the bathroom.  
Toni sighed and finished his drink. Maybe dead Lovi was better than living-Lovi...  
The bartender wandered over to him and asked, "So what's this I hear about a dead girlfriend?"

"S-Si. She died." Toni nodded at the man and took another drink to avoid talking.

"Really, how...?" The bartender leaned on the counter with polite interest and the freedom to talk for hours.

"Uhh-" Toni's eyes widened as he stammered for an excuse. "She uh-... was tanning! ...Si? Si-... And the poor thing, she used cooking oil instead of tanning oil! Fried to death..." He shook his head sadly and quickly drank again.

"Ahh..." the bartender nodded, "That's real tough..."

"Oh si. Really tough." Toni nodded quickly.

"Such a shame..." the bartender patted Toni's shoulder comfortingly...

"S-Si-" Toni looked down, wiping his eyes.

"Here, have an extra, no charge-" and the bartender slid Toni another drink, before being called away with another order.  
Toni sat there grinning to himself; he could get used to this.  
Gilbert walked back to Toni with swagger, winking at the ladies and still hitching his pants up over his Prussian-flag boxers. He slid himself up on the barstool with what he supposed was ease- but he more sort of tripped into it dizzily.  
An hour and about ten drinks each later, the Trio was thrown out of the bar. But they left with dignity; Gilbert had no pants and Toni had a tie on his head, and their arms were around eachother and they were singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" drunkely. Following right behind them was a not-as-drunk Francis, with an attractive woman under each arm and a five-o'-clock shadow starting under his chin.

"Where to? Back home? The other bar...?" said a giggling shit-faced Gilbert, clutching Toni to hold himself up.

"Ahh, actually mon cher..." Francis spoke up with a quiet hon-hon under his breath. "I uh- need to stop across the street at the little supermarket..." He grinned somewhat evilly and pulled the women into himself. "We're going to be busy tonight..."

"Whatev, bro-" Gilbert grabbed Toni's hand and marched drunkenly across the busy street to a little Stop-N-Shop. Several cars swerved to avoid the three drunk men and their attractive little entourage.  
Toni and Gilbert just followed Francis along on his little trip to find... protection.

"Here, go pay for this-" Francis threw a box of condoms at Toni. "We need to go find... other things..." and he dragged his giggly little girlfriends away.  
It took them a while, but eventually Gilbert and Toni found their drunken way to the cash register. Toni slammed down the box on the conveyor belt in victory.  
The clerk at the register rang up Francis' little life-savers, and attempted to make polite conversation with Toni. "So, got a hot girlfriend?" he nodded to the box.

"Noooo his girlfriend dieeeddd!" Gilbert flopped on the conveyor, laughing drunkenly.

"Si... She dieeeddd!" Toni nodded in agreement with Gilbert.

"Oh, howw...?" The cashier looked at him wide-eyed, ignoring the drunk man on his register.

"She ah- uh-"... Shit- he was drunk and couldn't think straight! How do people normally die!? ..."She uh- was just walking down the street, and she fell into a CEMENT MIXER!"  
The cashier gasped, "No!"

"SI! and uh- i-it was full of QUICKSAND!" he nodded as if this made sense.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! That's terrible!" the cashier consoled him.

"Si..." he shook his head sadly. "But I have Gilbert and Francis now." He grinned.

"Oh... That's... nice..." the cashier just stared at him.

"LET'S GO, LADIESS!" Francis snapped for Gilbert and Toni to hurry up, and strutted out.

"Oh! Seeya-" Toni waved at the cashier, grabbed Gilbert in one hand and the shopping bag in the other, and ran out after Francis and his lady friends.  
Thank god that Francis and Toni weren't as completely piss-drunk as Gilbert, otherwise they never would have made it home. Not that home was much better; upstairs in Gilbert's bedroom were Francis and his ladies, in the bathroom regretting his drinking was Gilbert, and curled in a ball on the couch thinking of more ways people die was Toni.  
After a while Gilbert passed out and Toni gave up- but Francis didn't stop until morning. In fact, Toni was woken up early that morning by Francis in his underwear, trying to sneak two naked women clutching their clothes out of the house.  
Surrendering to the fact that he probably wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep, Toni braved through his slight hangover-headache and wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast.  
Toni sat alone and enjoyed a breakfast of his most favorite tomato-flavored cereal, which always seemed to make everything better. He was interrupted halfway through by his cellphone blasting its Selena Gomez ringtone at full volume.

"Hola!" He answered cheerily.

"Espannaaa!" came the cheery voice of Lovino's brother Feliciano. "Ciaaoo!"

"Oh, hola little-tomati, what'cha need?" He got all smiley.

"Uhm- is Lovi thereee...?" Feli asked somewhat-sheepishly.

"Nope, sorry... Isn't he with you?" He laughed nervously.

"Noo- but when will he be there?" Feliciano sounded nervous.

"...Uh- listen, Feli-" Toni got all awkward and nervous.

"Si?" You could almost hear the poor boy frowning.

"Lovi's dead." why the hell not? It was his quiet revenge for being dumped all those times.

"WHAT!?" Feli yelled back in disbelief-

"Si. It was a-... shark attack. We were at the beach- I tried to warn him... but it was too late... he lost all three arms..."  
GASP. "ALL THREE!?"

"Si," Toni repeated solemnly, "all three."

"Ohh, that's terrible!" Feli cried, "I have to tell Grandpa-"

"No no!" Toni shouted- then, trying to sound more normal, he said, "don't you worry your pretty little pasta-filled head now, I'll tell Grandpa."  
Feli sniffled. "O-Okay."

"Shh... It's going to be alright..." Toni said into the phone calmly... and hung up before Feli could bust out crying. Ludwig would have to deal with that one...  
Toni sighed and cleaned up his breakfast. Maybe he'd go to the floral shop today, to see if they had any tomato seeds. It was a half a day already and Lovi hadn't called him, so he figured he'd be at Gilbert's for a while. And if he was going to live here, he needed his tomatoes.  
So Toni got changed into clothes without beer-spills on them, yelled to his snoring friends that he was going out, and walked out the door happily. He half-skipped half-walked down the street, whistling his favorite song as he went.  
Toni passed by a house of a neighbor of his, an old Spanish lady he used to share the fruits and veggies from his garden with; she waved to Toni from the rocking chair on her front porch where she always sat. "Hola Antonio! I haven't seen you in a while!"  
"Oh, hola chica-" Toni smiled wide, snatched a flower that was growing between the sidewalk, and ran up on the old lady's porch. "For you," he handed her the flower and winked.  
She chuckled slowly, "Always the gentleman..." and smelled the flower. "How have you been, Toni...?"

"Oh, muy bien-" Then Toni remembered he had a dead 'girlfriend.' "I mean- no... muy mal..." He looked down sadly.

"Oh my, what's wrong...?" The old lady watched him with a concerned, motherly expression.

"It's Lovino..." he sighed...

"Oh no," the lady asked, as the only one to get Lovino's gender correct: "he didn't break up with you again, did he?"

"No, no, worse!" Toni cried, "he's dead!"  
The old lady gasped, clutching a frail hand to her heart. "Oh dios mios, what happened to the poor chico?"

"Well..." Toni sighed, thinking back to the excuses he'd written up last night. "we were hiking up a mountain with mi amigos- and he fell-" He gazed sadly into the distance for dramatic effect- "but no one could catch him..." and he looked down at his solemnly-folded hands in his lap.  
The old lady gasped again, "Oh... Oh how terrible... Dios mios, my dear Toni... If there is anything, /anything/ I can do for you, please let me know..."  
Toni thought for a moment and finally decided, "Hmm... You can make me some of those amazing churros like you used to!"

"Of course..." She gave him a soft, motherly smile and hobbled inside.  
Thirty minutes later Toni kissed the old lady's cheek and was waving "Adios!" down the street with a box of traditional homemade churros. Reveling in the beautiful cinnamon-sugary smell of the churros, Toni once again was starting to think he liked Lovi better dead.  
Toni continued on his merry way to go buy tomato seeds, cheerily munching on one of his churros along the way. He walked by the houses, waving at neighbors in their yards with friendly "Hola!"s and "Was-sup, chica?"s. ...Then he stopped dead in his tracks- it was his and Lovi's house. He'd forgotten he had to walk by it to get to the store! He didn't dare show up near there.  
Toni looked around for an escape, and quickly darted into the yard of the house right next door to his old house. He hopped the fence and crept through the bushes at the back of his and Lovi's yard. Then, making sure no one was watching, he sneakily crawled through the hole in the fence that the neighbor-to-the-right's dog usually came to visit through.  
Toni stood up and sighed with relief, he'd passed by without anybody seeing.

"HEY! TONI!"  
...or so he thought.

"IT'S UNCLE TONIII!" A group of small children and a fluffy dog came bounding over to him, surrounding him in tiny-armed hugs.

"Hola niños!" Toni laughed and positively beamed at the children he always used to play with, ruffling their hair and pinching their cheeks and throwing a bit of churro to their little puppy.

"Where's Aunt Lovino!?" demanded one of the children.

"Yeah! We wanna hit him with tomatoes!" shouted another child.  
Toni sighed and shook his head at them and telling them with great dramatics, "Alas... Aunt Lovino- is DEAD!"  
The children gave a collective gasp and a chorus of, "Dead?", "Is he really!?, "de-eaadd!?", "Noo-", and of course Toni's favorite now that he had excuses, "How'd it happen!?"  
"How'd it happen? How did it happen!? Well! I'll tell you how it happened-" Toni repeated this purely for dramatics. He was a good story-teller, and he had to come up with a not-so-scary story for the children. He told this story with big hand movements, sound effects, and an exaggerated voice- and a special flair for dramatics that only Toni talking to children could have.

"You see... things just weren't working out between me and Auntie Lovino... He left... and I returned everything I EVER bought him! But he came back the next day saying he still liked me! But he was SOO angry that I returned everything, that he RAN outside and SCREAMED SO LOUD he created a MUDSLIDE! The mudslide swept him down the mountain- WHOOSHH- and he landed in a far away magical land called AFRICA." The children oooh'd.

"...Where he got eaten by a lion." Toni ended matter-of-factly.

"Wow.", "Cool!", and "AWESOME..." were some reactions.

"Darnit." one of the children kicked at the grass and crossed his arms grumpily. "I wanted to toss tomatoes at him."  
"It's alright!" Toni ruffled the disappointed child's hair. "You can throw tomatoes at other people."  
The child smiled up at him, "YEAH! LET'S GO THROW TOMATOES AT OTHER PEOPLE!" and led his army of children out of the yard and around the neigborhood.  
Toni smiled at the children and followed them out of the yard, then continued on his merry way to the floral shop.  
At the end of the block, Toni turned and walked into the little flower-filled shop, setting off the little bell that rang every time someone entered the store.  
"Holaaa!" He walked up to the man behind the counter.  
"Heyyy, Toni!" He shook his hand heartily. "Good to see ya'! You lookin' for the tomatoes?"

"Si, si!" Toni gave him a big smile.

"Right over there, buddy-" he directed Toni to the right side of the store.  
Toni grabbed a pack of tomato seeds, listening half-attentedly to the man ramble on about what a great season this was and how they had the perfect weather for flowering fruits and such. Then he brought three packs of tomato seeds back up to the counter.  
The man rang up the tomatoes and asked, "So where's the girlfriend?" he looked at the empty spot where Lovino was usually hanging over Toni.  
..."She died." Toni sighed.

"Whoa, how!?" The man looked at him in shock.  
Toni shook his head. "Got run over by a guy in a Scion! Pretty crappy one, too... weird shade of purple..."

"...Again!?" asked the man in disbelief. "Didn't your last girlfriend get run over too!?"

"SI!" and Toni broke down in fake sobbing.

"Oh, sorry man, that's really awful..." he handed Toni his tomatoes and patted his back consolingly.  
Toni sniffled. "At least I still have my tomatoes..." he clutched the bag dramatically and walked out sobbing... but his sobs turned to laughter when he exited the shop.  
Toni took the same shortcut back through the neighbors' yards to avoid Lovi, then skipped the rest of the way to Gilbert's house. He came home to find Francis and Gilbert no longer passed out, but still hung over slightly.

"Holaaa! I got us tomatoess!" He told them cheerily.  
...What he got back was a grunt and a whiny moan.

"Okay. Uh- seeya guys in a little- I'll go plant these..." And Toni scooted out to go plant his tomatoes in Gilbert's yard.  
Toni cleared a real nice little spot in the corner of the yard, dug perfectly-measured little holes, and dropped his tomato seeds in with care, one-by-one. He talked to his tomatoes, but when he wasn't telling them how pretty they would be when they were big grown-up tomatoes, he hummed to himself. Four little tomato seeds in, a couple teenagers rode by on their bikes. Those bullies tossed a rock at Toni!  
The rock bounced off Toni's head and rolled in the grass. "O-Ow." he gave them his usual big dumb grin.

"Hey LOSER!" The biggest, scariest teenager called to him.

"I'm not a loser!" Toni yelled back, crossing his arms grumpily. It was only okay when Lovi called him that!

"Oh yeah? How come you ain't got anything better to do than gardening!? Gardening's for losers! ...And Grandmas!" the big scary teenager yelled again.

"Yeah!" one of the teenager's buddies called. "Ain't you got a girlfriend!?" He spit on the sidewalk.

"Uh- no. No, actually she's dead." He grinned sheepishly.  
The teeanagers looked at eachother like, oh-shit-what-now.

"Yeah, right! You're just sayin' that!" the second teenager yelled bravely.

"She uh- actually went on a trip with her friends to the desert... and uh- got dried up, basically. Dehydration set in pretty quickly..." he made an awkward "Ptchooo..." noise.

..."Shit." said the first teenager. But the second slapped him. "He means sorry." and they rode away.  
Toni sighed and dug a hole for his fifth tomato. "Such lovely children."  
Toni finished planting his tomatoes and went inside to go take a bath to get the dirt off himself. But Gilbert, feeling slightly less hungover, had a better idea.

"Duuude, isn't your Grandpa throwing a party?" His eyes grew wide and his smile even wider, and Toni didn't even want to know what was going on in his pants. Gilbert was always this way about parties.

"A party?" Toni asked, blinking cluelessly.

"Ja! You know- with like- dancing and shit... and drinking... and glowsticks..." Gilbert said it in a 'Duh-Toni-what-were-you-thinking-this-is-obviously-an-occasion-to-celebrate' way.

"O-Oh. Sounds fun." Toni smiled halfway, trying to act upset over Lovino.

"Come on, bros! Let's go crash a party!" Gilbert grabbed a beer to get himself started (not like he needed it) and led Toni and Francis out to the car.  
They were all buckled in, with the least-hungover Toni driving, when- "Oh shit!" Gilbert ran back in the house. Toni and Francis both looked at eachother and shrugged.  
Five minutes later Gilbert returned with the little box they bought the night before. "Gotta be prepared," he winked and jumped in the backseat with an evil kes-y laugh.

"Amen to that, mon cher!" Francis agreed wholeheartedly.

"Si..." Toni just went along with it and said he agreed, even though he probably wouldn't be needing those because Lovino would want him back by tomorrow, right?  
A half hour later they pulled up in front of Grandpa Rome's house, where the celebration of god only knows what it vcould be this time was already in full swing.  
They got out of the car and Gilbert ran straight for the babes in the yard.  
Toni sighed, looking around at all the dancing girls and flashing lights and window-shaking music. He made a pouty face. Everybody would know by now Lovi's dead. "Nobody misses Lovino...?"  
Francis shook his head like, hell-no! "You were the only one that liked him! But I think it was more of an excuse for Grandpa to throw a party..." and strutted into the house.

"O-Oh." Toni followed Francis into the party, now feeling slightly guilty... but only slightly. After all, he had gotten churros out of the deal.  
He walked around the party for a while, feeling somewhat lost. Everybody was drinking and dancing and having a good time- and Toni... Toni was just walking. And sighing. He seemed to be doing a lot of sighing.  
He was wandering around moping for quite a while, before he found Grandpa Rome surrounded by a group of girls in the hot tub, and decided to go talk to him. He leaned over the edge of the hot tub, "Hola Grandpa..."

"CIAAOO! TONII! Join the partyyy!" Grandpa, who seemed to have more curls and girls than ever, waved Toni into the hot tub full of very fine women.

"No thanks Grandpa..." Toni smiled sheepishly, waving at the girls. Normally he'd be all over this. But without Lovi here to beat him up after, it just didn't feel right.

"Awww, well the least you could do is tell us how IT happened!" Rome winked and shoved him playfully.

"Uhh..." He was running out of lies... "Well, he drowned."

"Oh, si, Feliciano said it was a shark-" Rome nodded.

"Oh no!" Toni shook his head. "It wasn't a shark! he drowned in- THIS. HOT TUB."  
The girls all got out of the hot tub lightning fast and ran away squealing and shrieking. Grandpa Rome slid out awkwardly after them. "...I'll be getting a new hot tub." ...and he slapped some random girl's ass, and strutted away.  
Toni sighed again. All he cared about was the hot tub? Toni went to go walk around the party again. Oh. A dance floor... Ha... He and Lovino used to dance reeaall nice...  
Toni heard a girlish giggle from behind him, and felt a hand on his shoulder. "Hey Toni!"  
He spun around and was facing Emma... she was that girl- you know, THAT GIRL. The one from high school that you loved everything about except her overprotective older brother. The one you hit on relentlessly for months. The one that you were pretty sure liked you until her older brother finally beat you up and you didn't think you liked her very much anymore anyway. Tall, blonde, beautiful...  
But no! He loved Lovino now!  
...still, no reason to be rude-

"Oh, hola chica!" Toni smiled at her.

"Hel-lo, Toni!" Emma winked at him.

"Ahaha... yeah..." He looked around awkwardly. How come it was so easy to hit on girls when Lovi was there...?

"So..." she sighed, "I heard about Lovino..."

"O-Oh. Si." He wiped away a tear that wasn't really there.

"Well you still have me..." Emma looked down at her feet, glancing up at him and batting her eyelashes.

"Oh, that's nice..." Toni wasn't really paying attention.  
Emma sighed, blowing her hair away from her eyes frustratedly. This was going to be more difficult than she thought. So instead she asked,

"How'd it happen...?" She had to at least make polite conversation before hiting on him again, it was only common courtesy.

"Oh. He uh- he was at one of those fancy East-Side night clubs, you know... And uh- danced to death." He laughed awkwardly. ...and then sniffled.

"Oh that's terrible..." She didn't really see how he could have /danced/ to death, but she didn't want to seem insensitive!

"Si..." He wiped another false tear.  
Emma looked around awkwardly. ..."Seems like he was dancing pretty hardcore there." she gave him /the look./ The very special kind of look womem use when they're either drunk or hitting on you. Or both. Either way it meant they wanted you.  
Toni was suddenly very serious. "Oh si." He knew that look. That was Lovi's I-want-you-bastard-but-I-won't-admit-it look.  
..."Think you learned any of his moves?" Emma winked.

"Si, si, he did like this-" Toni dragged her onto the dancefloor.  
...And then he proceeded to show her some nice dance moves. You know, feed-the-chickens, the lawnmower, the watusi- cute forties moves to get started. Emma just watched him all giggly.  
Then he decided to heat things up a bit, he was getting into it with all the hot moves they do in the clubs. Yeah, fistpump. But that was lame. He could only be lame for so long...  
SO TONI SHOOK HIS ASS LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW (because if Lovino found him, there would be no tomorrow).

"Woo!" Emma joined him, and the group of dancers in shaking whatever they had for all it was worth.  
A few of Toni's favorite dance moves later, things started getting a bit sexy up in there! Toni ended up grinding... Francis. Yes Francis. And they were getting pretty into it, too. Emma was watching increduously from the sidelines, not sure if it was what she was drinking or this was really happening.  
Toni and Francis acquired quite a few onlookers before Gilbert decided it would be a good idea if he joined in. At that point they had the crowd cheering and watching The Bad Touch Trio show off the moves that earned them their name.  
...And that's when the alleged dead man walked in. "Move it, outta my way, comin' through-" Lovino shoved his way through the gawking spectators.  
Lovi stopped dead in his tracks at the edge of the dancefloor.

..."WHAT THE CRAPOLA!?"  
At that moment the Trio stopped and stared at him. ...So naturally, everyone in the room that had been watching them stopped and stared. The DJ even stopped the music to stare.  
It was quiet for a minute before:

"...Aren't you dead?"

"Lovino!?"

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD."

"Didn't you get eaten by a shark!?"

"No, he got hit by a car-"

"Nuh-uh, isn't he the one that drowned in the hot tub?"

"No, this is the guy that fell off the cliff!"

"What the hell!?" Lovino looked around at them. "WHAT FUCKASS DECIDED TO TELL EVERYBODY I WAS DEAD."  
Toni melted away behind Francis and Gilbert. But it was too late for him- every finger in the room was pointed in his direction.  
Lovino growled, "Dumb bastard..."  
Gilbert grinned. "Who me?"

"NO, you dumbass!" Lovi stomped over and shoved Gilbert and Francis away to reveal a cowering Toni curled in a ball.

"You dumb bastard!" Lovi bitchslapped Toni. "Do I look dead to you!?"

"...Maybe...?" Toni grinned sheepishly. This earned him another slap that, now that he admitted it, he probably deserved.  
Lovino stood there, hands-on-hips, glaring down at him, muttering curses under his breath in Italian. "I can't believe you-"

"Wait..." Feliciano stood there with a dumb expression on his face. "Does that mean you didn't get eaten by a shark?" ...Half the room facepalmed.  
Lovino huffed. "NO. I did NOT get eaten by a shark."  
"Are you suuurrreee?" Feli called to him.

"YES I THINK I WOULD HAVE NOTICED." Lovi snapped back.

"Sorry! Just checking!" Feli giggled.  
Lovino sighed with frustration, mumbling to himself, "I'm surrounded by idiots..."

"Yes you are." Toni agreed, thinking it would maybe-possibly earn him some points back.

"Shut up, you're the biggest idiot!" Lovi snapped at him.

"Si," Toni crawled over from the spot on the floor where he had been hiding behind Gilbert and Francis, and hugged onto Lovino's leg. "but I'm /your/ idiot."  
Lovino rolled his eyes as the room collectively "Awww"ed.

"G-Get off me! I'm trying to be mad at you!" Lovino turned away and crossed his arms, his cheeks tinting red.

"But mi tomati!" Toni took his hand and kissed it. "Te amo!"  
Lovino, his cheeks slightly redder, sighed frustratedly. "Fiinnneee... Grandpa says tomatoes are fruits anyway..." and he hugged Toni grumpily.

"Si!" Toni pulled Lovi tight against him and spun him around. "My little Roma..." Toni nuzzled their cheeks together.

"Sh-Shut up-" Lovi shoved Toni off halfheartedly. "The whole freaking country's watching-" he glared at the crowd as if daring them to say one word about this.

"S-So does this mean you like me again?" Toni asked nervously.  
Lovino sighed. Or more, SIIGHHEDD... "Finnneee..."

"Oh, yay!" Toni grinned and kissed his cheek. "Yay, yay, yay!"

"HEY-" Lovi squirmed away.

"Sorry." Toni let go of him.

"Whatever." Lovino walked out.

"I love you!" Toni half-skipped, half-ran after him.

"Mhm." Lovino dismissed that like usual, but Toni already knew that meant it was mutual.

"...I also like you better alive." Toni slung his arm around his waist and pulled Lovino into himself.

"You better!" Lovi punched his shoulder.

"Ow..." Toni grinned sheepishly... "Oh! Also, I forgot-"

"WHAT." Lovi demanded angrily.

"It's been TWO DAYS, mi tomati!" Toni whined, "...Let's go have sex!" and he grinned his usual dumb grin.

"NO." Lovi raised his hand to slap him, out of instinct- but then lowered it with a sigh. "Just- no."  
So Toni reasoned with him logically: "...but I have churros!"  
Lovino sighed, "I missed you, bastard."


End file.
